Friday, December 01, 2006


I am so tired. It is Christmas time, and as anyone knows who has worked in retail, Christmas is it. Everything that the business does is to just get it to Christmas, to make the most amount of money possible. My job is to get the stuff out to sell and to do that is to work overnight.

I have enough trouble sleeping and the flipping from days to nights has nearly ruined me. I had a terrible spell this week and thank God for my patient husband. I lost my mind temporarily. I became horribly irritable and had alot of trouble sleeping. Because of the lack of sleep, the problems my mind face become worse. I was terrible to my husband, impatient with my kids, and just wanted to spend all of my time in bed not sleeping.

When I start peaking on mania, I start to hallucinate. Its not so bad that I think that it is real. I just see stuff. I saw squirrels in my car, and people where there couldn't be anyone. The last day that was the worst I could hear the electricity.

Luckily with some drug induced sleeping I pulled out of it. I am feeling better.

Really though, I am just sick of this. One of the reasons that my husband and I decided that we should not have a child to blend in with the children I brought, is because I am crazy. Sometimes we don't go out because I am crazy. We don't watch certain shows, or visit with certain people. I have to do the driving sometimes, and the tv has to have a certain level of voluem because I am crazy.

I try to stay away from the drama of it, lamenting day in and out of all the things that I have been help back from because I am crazy. Of how bad I have it. Sometimes though, it does control my life, and the fact that I cannot control this bothers me. It smacks me out of no where and it makes me angry. I do not like ruining the time out with my family because I freak out on the way in the car. I do not like not going on vacation because I do not travel well. I feel stupid when we get to a movie theater 45 minutes early because I obsess about standing in lines and being in a crowd.

I feel as though I hold my family back and that makes me sad.

I want to be good.

I don't want to be myself.


Anonymous Paul Connors said...


Don't worry about it. You don't hold us back. I love you.

Crazy or not.

5:34 PM  

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