Blindsided
I remember being happy.
I remember going into elementary school and having friends. I remember learning how to play the triangle and maracas. I remember coloring and hamburger lunches. I liked my teacher and and my teacher still liked me. I was still smiling in my school pictures.
In grade three we had our pictures taken at two different times. The first was the individual picture, the one for dad's wallets and grandmother's tables. This was taken in the beginning of the year. The second was the class photo and this was taken in the spring.
Sometime during the fall photo and the spring photo the demons grabbed a hold of my mind and started to divide me into pieces that I would only understand 15 years later. I gained 20 pounds. My smile was false. The first trickles of dark thoughts began. I lost all my friends and struggled in school. My teachers hated me because of my unpredictability.
My question is: Why the fuck didn't anyone notice?
I was normal and then I wasn't.
I was thin and then I wasn't.
I showered and then I didn't.
I had friends and then I didn't.
I know it was a different time then. Mental illness was talked about very little, and certainly not in children. I was told to 'cheer up' and 'grow up'. I was supposed to shake it off. But after 3 years of the same behavior in a school of 60 kids, there was no way I could fall between the cracks of an overloaded system. There was me and 3 other kids in my grade four class. There was me and 4 other kids in my grade five class. I was never sent to a counselor. I was never sent to a doctor. Nothing but blame for my behavior. Did they just think I wanted to be like this?
Now please listen.
My anger is not for me. It is not for the 15 years I spent suicidal fence.
I just want to know who is taking care of the 8 year old Tiffanys now?
I can see them in the school that my daughters go to. I can see them in the mall with their moms and in the grocery store.
Kids just aren't bad. Kids aren't continually disruptive without a reason. We need to ask questions.
Are they like me? You just cannot think that mental illness is an adult disease. Kids are struck everyday with diseases that only adults should get. If a kid can go into kidney failure or get cancer, how can it be justified that their mind cannot also be altered by disease.
Are they being abused? Are they being neglected? Are they unloved?
I cry thinking about 8 year old Tiffany; however, I am not crying for myself. I cry for the 8 year old who is in his room right now, listening to the voices in his head, and wondering how he will be able to go on. I am crying for the little girl who is hearing her dad come up stairs and wishing she had a lock for her door.
It is our job to protect all children. All children. Children do not have the words to talk about what is going on so they use their actions to tell their story.
We need to listen to their story.
I remember going into elementary school and having friends. I remember learning how to play the triangle and maracas. I remember coloring and hamburger lunches. I liked my teacher and and my teacher still liked me. I was still smiling in my school pictures.
In grade three we had our pictures taken at two different times. The first was the individual picture, the one for dad's wallets and grandmother's tables. This was taken in the beginning of the year. The second was the class photo and this was taken in the spring.
Sometime during the fall photo and the spring photo the demons grabbed a hold of my mind and started to divide me into pieces that I would only understand 15 years later. I gained 20 pounds. My smile was false. The first trickles of dark thoughts began. I lost all my friends and struggled in school. My teachers hated me because of my unpredictability.
My question is: Why the fuck didn't anyone notice?
I was normal and then I wasn't.
I was thin and then I wasn't.
I showered and then I didn't.
I had friends and then I didn't.
I know it was a different time then. Mental illness was talked about very little, and certainly not in children. I was told to 'cheer up' and 'grow up'. I was supposed to shake it off. But after 3 years of the same behavior in a school of 60 kids, there was no way I could fall between the cracks of an overloaded system. There was me and 3 other kids in my grade four class. There was me and 4 other kids in my grade five class. I was never sent to a counselor. I was never sent to a doctor. Nothing but blame for my behavior. Did they just think I wanted to be like this?
Now please listen.
My anger is not for me. It is not for the 15 years I spent suicidal fence.
I just want to know who is taking care of the 8 year old Tiffanys now?
I can see them in the school that my daughters go to. I can see them in the mall with their moms and in the grocery store.
Kids just aren't bad. Kids aren't continually disruptive without a reason. We need to ask questions.
Are they like me? You just cannot think that mental illness is an adult disease. Kids are struck everyday with diseases that only adults should get. If a kid can go into kidney failure or get cancer, how can it be justified that their mind cannot also be altered by disease.
Are they being abused? Are they being neglected? Are they unloved?
I cry thinking about 8 year old Tiffany; however, I am not crying for myself. I cry for the 8 year old who is in his room right now, listening to the voices in his head, and wondering how he will be able to go on. I am crying for the little girl who is hearing her dad come up stairs and wishing she had a lock for her door.
It is our job to protect all children. All children. Children do not have the words to talk about what is going on so they use their actions to tell their story.
We need to listen to their story.
posted by TIffany at 6:40 PM
1 Comments:
Amen Tiffany! I see this issue clearly in my minds eye, but it's hard for me to see how I can help protect children. I suppose I can keep my eye out, treat my own kids fairly (when I have kids), and speak out where I can.
You have opened my mind in this area more than you know. I no longer hold to a pseudo-spiritual predjudice. I no longer view every issue a person (possibly a child) has as an issue of "ignorance", "stupidity" or "sinfullness on their part". Recently I've realized how superstitious I've been. Everyones issues are unique of course.
I've discovered fairly recently that my own family has had a number of mental illness issues. Clinical depression being the most common. In the past I would have felt like I just had to "buck up", but now I believe it's important for myself and others like me to explore the possibility of psychological complexes and mental illness. I talked to my doctor this week about my own depression and I will encourage others to do likewise.
Peace.
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